Continuing the excerpts from my e-book,
Stressed Family, Strong Family, available at
http://StressedFamily.comToday I'll present
three excerpts:
1. One More Thought About Arguing (continued from the previous excerpt)
And these two new excerpts
2. WHAT KEEPS PEOPLE STUCK IN A CYCLE?
3. WHOSE FAULT IS A VICIOUS CYCLE?
(In
future posts we'll look at more examples of vicious cycles:
whining/giving in; blaming; arguing; and the worst of all: scapegoating. The
September posts described coping strengths found in fourteen countries across the globe.)
Here's an advanced look at the
summary of today's post. If you're pressed for time, this might help to decide whether to save this for reading at leisure.
Summary of Today's PostWe've looked at vicious cycles, such as nagging/procrastinating. We've considered what keeps people stuck, and emphasized that
a cycle is usually no one's fault.
We've looked at some
"What to do" ideas for getting untangled.
The key point to keep in mind: After a cycle get started and runs for a few days, or weeks,
either person might start it. We usually blame the one who "started it"; we think it's his or her fault. But
if either person can set it off, either
they both cause it, or no one does. I prefer to say that the cycle causes itself. Then we can get to work on ideas for untangling, rather than blaming someone for starting it. After all,
blaming is yet another cycle.
See how cycles can hitch onto one another.Hitch together enough vicious cycles, and your wagon will take you straight to the divorce court.That's the end of today's summary. Now on to the post!15.
One more thought about arguing (continued from last post)
Realize that the two of you get stuck in an arguing cycle. If the other person hasn’t read the description of
positive and negative cycles in the
previous post, ask them if they are willing to do so. After they understand what we mean by cycles, say that you feel like the two of you get stuck in an arguing cycle. That is, arguing just leads to more arguing. If the argument is with the other parent, don’t drag the kids into it. Don’t complain to the kids about the other parent. Don’t tell them how wrong the other parent is.
What to do: Tell the other person you can each have a different opinion. A different “take” on something.
Neither has to prove they are right.
Neither has to prove the other one is wrong. Suggest this: When you start arguing, either one can say, “Wait, we’re going to get stuck in an argument. Let’s just say we disagree. You see it one way, I see it another. Let’s step back, stop trying to prove we’re right. Relax and do something else. Get untangled.” (You’ll find your own words for these ideas.)
Agree that either person can say something like: “Here we go again.” They say this when they see an argument starting. Agree to take ten minutes to cool down. Think over the situation. Make a new start.
That takes care of the loose end from last post. Now on to the new post for today.
WHAT KEEPS PEOPLE STUCK IN A CYCLE?How you get out of an arguing habit depends on what keeps it going. You or the other person many be caught in one or more of the following traps. If you can get out of the trap, you can settle arguments more easily. Here are some of the reasons people get trapped in arguing.
Note: Some of the “What to do” suggestions here can help with other vicious cycles.
A. Not being able to admit when you’re wrongLet me ask you: are you one of those people who have a very hard time admitting they are wrong?
Yes? Then read on.
What to do:Take a look at your reasons.
1. Do you fear losing respect if you admit that you are wrong in an argument with a child? Do you fear that the child will quit obeying entirely? This will not usually happen.
2. Try admitting your mistakes and see if this relaxes you and the youth.
3. Do you feel stupid if you admit you’re wrong? No need to feel that way. Give yourself credit for facing up to a mistake. That’s not stupid at all.
4. Did people call you stupid or make fun of you growing up? They may have made you feel as though you should hide mistakes.
Put those feelings aside and focus on the present. Those scenes from the past don’t belong in your present-day mind.
5. Do you hate for the other person to “win?” Is that because they make fun of you? Do they act superior? Show them in a polite way how they look and act when you feel they are acting superior.
Can you two each admit when you’re wrong? Ask them if they are willing to try.
B. Not being able to learn from another personDo you feel like you have to know all the answers? Hate to admit you don’t know something? This feeling can drive arguments about who’s right.
What to do:1. Ease up and allow someone to teach you. Admit you could be wrong. Tell the other person you’re willing to learn to do something different. You want kids to have a good attitude about learning. Show them you can learn.
2. Do you feel like the kid is too young to have a good idea? Give them a chance. Listen to their thoughts. Kids can come up with good ideas if they feel respected. That’s how they learn to think for themselves. Believe it or not, some kids can even help their parents make peace. You can ask that type of youth what they think will work best. Then both parents should give this a good try. But be careful not to put that kid in the middle. Don’t expect him or her to decide who’s right or wrong.
3. Of course, some kids are just trying to get what they want. They may want to make you feel you’re in the wrong for making them do their work. Stick to the fair rules and limits you have agreed on. Work done earns rewards or privileges. Work not done gets no reward.
4. Suppose you find that you can accept ideas from people outside the family. Listen to your spouse, son, or daughter the way you would listen to an outsider.
C. Being unable to argue with the person you’d like to (boss, teacher, spouse, in-law)Maybe you are angry with someone else, such as a boss. You can’t get mad at work. Instead, you argue with your family,
Your son or daughter may feel angry with a teacher or a friend. They can’t get mad at this person, so they take it out on you.
What to do:1. Realize when you’re not the real target, or when you’re taking out your anger on someone else. Don’t argue back if it’s another person taking out anger on you. Let them blow off steam for a while. Look for a chance to ask how things went today in school, or on the job. Wherever you think their anger may be coming from.
When you catch yourself taking out anger on the wrong person, or when they point out that you are, apologize. (Hard to do, I know!)
2. Don’t try to solve the problem right away. The other person may come to see that they were dumping some anger on you. Then maybe the two of you can figure out how to deal with that teacher, boss, or other kid. Talk about whoever has made them angry.
3. Don’t take out your anger on the kids. If you do, then admit you were in the wrong. Apologize.
D. Being “naturally” short temperedSome people have a short temper by nature and jump into an argument too fast.
What to do:1. You can learn self-control. Get a book on controlling your temper. Your library probably has several. If you can’t find one, ask a librarian. You don’t have to go through life with your temper on edge.
2. You can enroll in anger-management courses. Check with the school or a local group like the “Y’ or the “4H.”
E. All you ever knew was arguingMaybe you grew up in a family that argued all the time. You may not have learned any other way to get along. Use the suggestions in A, B, and C above to find ways to stay out of arguments. Find a way to exit if you get into one. Anger management classes can help you, also.
An Aside About Anger Management ClassesArguments or other conflicts between partners can lead to hitting, beating, strangling or other abuse. Sexual abuse of partners also occurs. Some courts will require an abusive spouse to go to anger management classes. These can be helpful if the person admits they have a problem. It doesn’t help as much if they go just because a judge forced them to, though sometimes that’s the only way to get them to try anger management.
“Road rage” (trying to cut off, chase, hurt, crash into a driver who has made you angry) also can lead to referral by police to anger management classes.
A member of the clergy can sometimes convince a spouse to go for anger management help, if you can’t get the message across.
In addition to anger management classes, a therapist and psychiatrist can work together if the temper problem comes from mental illness, drug or alcohol abuse, etc.
F. The arguer has a mental illness or an addiction to drugs or alcoholSome kids or adults suffer from severe depression or other emotional problems that make it hard to control their temper. If they use drugs or alcohol, this can also make them lose control easily. We speak of “dual diagnosis” when a person struggles with both mental illness and an addiction.
What to do:1. The mental problem, or the drug or alcohol problem, needs treatment. That treatment should help control temper outbursts.
2. The same is true for temper problems due to brain damage. Kids or adults get brain damage from a head injury, lead poisoning, infections, or other causes. The cause needs treatment. Then medication can help with temper outbursts and arguing.
3. Also, anyone who has been through a frightening or life-threatening situation may develop post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). The youth or adult may have trouble with temper control, among other problems. They may need special help if the condition has lasted for months or years.
G. Other problems that may need treatment: A need for excitement can trigger an argument. People don’t know how to relax or enjoy a calm talk. Combat makes them feel alive.
Hiding feelings of inferiority can lead people to argue, in order to keep their self-respect. A counselor can help with this.
Getting sexually turned on by fighting can lead people into arguments. Spouses may end an argument by having sex. This means that arguments bring a powerful reward--if the sex is good for both. No wonder they fight!
WHOSE FAULT IS A VICIOUS CYCLE?If you are not much interested in background information about cycles,, you can skip down to the section titled Vicious Cycles in More Detail. You will find suggestions there for help with several more types of cycles. If you want to know what I think about the key ideas, read on,
The key to getting out of a cycle: you first need to realize that
NO ONE CAUSES A CYCLE.THE CYCLE “CAUSES” ITSELF!That’s another way to say “blame the cycle.” Don’t blame the other person, don’t blame yourself. As I said above, by the time the cycle has been running for weeks, months, or years, either person might "start it" on one day, and the other person may start it the next time. Neither one is at fault, but both share equal responsibility for recognizing and changing the pattern.
The cycle causes itself! That might seem like a wacky idea. We usually think that the trouble between people comes from something inside one or the other. (And sometimes it does; for example, a grandparent might have Alzheimer’s Disease, the confusion and loss of memory of some aging brains. This condition can lead to enormous stress in a family, especially if that family gets into blaming or arguments about caring for the person.)
But I’m interested here in those cycles that cause themselves, clashes between people that don’t have a disease that causes the problem. How does those cycles develop?
We’ve seen that, once the cycle has been going on for a few weeks or months, either person might start it. Either the one who nags, in the example above, or the one who procrastinates might have seemed to have made the first "move" in the cycle on a particular day.
Then the other reacts. And it’s those back and forth reactions that keep he cycle going. No one person is the cause. You do your part, or no cycle exists. The other person does their part, or no cycle exists. Neither of you is more of a cause than the other.
This idea that “it takes two to tango” gives you the key. Let’s use that key to unlock cycles.
But this idea about cycles goes against our strong need to blame someone when we get stuck in a cycle. We learn to blame, to point fingers, to pin the rap. You can see this blame game taking place on any playground or ball field. You’ll hear it in many kitchens and bedrooms. Probably even in your own.
Let me repeat: the nagger blames the procrastinator: "If he only did the chore right away, without being reminded, I wouldn't have to nag him."
And the procrastinator? He says: "If she didn't get on my back all the time about chores and responsibility, I would do the stuff myself without being reminded."
Or those thoughts may remain unspoken, or even unconscious.
But usually each one sees the other as the cause of the round-and-round struggle.
They may have even hitched another cycle--a blame cycle-- onto the nag-avoid cycle.
If you convince yourself that the other person started it, that it's their fault, you have found out who to blame. And when that person feels blamed, he or she will usually blame you in return.
Try to remember, blame the cycle, not the other person, not yourself.
Enough for TodayWe've looked at vicious cycles, such as nagging/procrastinating. We've considered what keeps people stuck, and emphasized that
a cycle is usually no one's fault.
We've looked at some
"What to do" ideas for getting untangled.
The key point to keep in mind: After a cycle get started and runs for a few days, or weeks,
either person might start it. We usually blame the one who "started it"; we think it's his or her fault. But
if either person can set it off, either
they both cause it, or no one does. I prefer to say that the cycle causes itself. Then we can get to work on ideas for untangling, rather than blaming someone for starting it. After all,
blaming is yet another cycle.
See how cycles can hitch onto one another.Hitch together enough vicious cycles, and your wagon will take you straight to the divorce court.
